Hideo Nomo Has a Posse

Who among us has not while in the middle of some heated argument wanted to throw a baseball at some entirely innocent, unrelated third party and put them in the hospital? Wanton and aimless violence is just the way we Americans like to vent, and by golly, Dominican pitcher Julio Castillo (allegedly) handled things the American way when, during a game in July 2008 for the Peoria Chiefs, he threw a baseball into the stands during a bench-clearing brawl, striking one Chris McCarthy, presumably of Peoria, Illinois, square in the temple, sending him to the hospital with a concussion. All of this in front of Mr. McCarthy’s wife and young son who have no doubt now learned a very valuable lesson. All of this because, as Castillo’s lawyer claims, Mr. Castillo was simply trying to throw the ball at the opposing team’s dugout! Well, that makes it all better. Case closed.

I’m no great legal mind, I’m no great mind at all, but this seems like an uphill battle for ole Mr. Castillo and his crack team of lawyers.

This day in 1959, the Boston Red Sox called up second baseman Pumpsie Green becoming the very last team to integrate, only a scant two years after Jackie Robinson retired from a 10-year MLB career. Good on you, Boston. Way to go. In fact, and I should have known this, the Sox had the first choice to sign both Robinson and another ballplayer you might have heard of, Willie Mays. Good ole Tom Yawkey dug deep and refused to sign either player- both went on to do, on the whole, pretty damned well, and the Sox would not win the Series until 2004.

Curse of the Bambino, or curse of a racist, recalcitrant owner? YOU BE THE DECIDER.

Green went on to play four years for the Sox and one for the Mets, logging 344 games, putting up a pretty meager .246/.357/.264 line.

The recently aired and quite-good Ted Williams documentary on HBO talks a bit about Williams’s mentoring relationship with Green. I’d recommend you track this film down and watch it for many different reasons, today being Pumpsie Green day chief among them.

One of the worst movies I’ve seen in years. Could not figure out whether it was more irritatingly stupid, or stupidly irritating. The movie’s crew cannot be blamed too much: I think the fault truly lies in the underlying novel- the whole conceit is just DUMB. I sold all of my Chuck Palahniuk novels, sans Fight Club, in protest.

I hated this movie, and I hope it suffers.

Is the HOME RUN DERBY the most boring event in professional sports? MAYBE. Let’s examine some competitors: first, the Pro Bowl. Second, the NBA All Star Game. Thirdly, the entire NBA season, including the sixth month playoff system they seem to have. There’s the WNBA, but it just feels mean to bring up the WNBA- likewise NASCAR. I mean, really, five hours of turning left. All right.

BUT ANYWAY. I digress. I think what we’re up against for the most boring event in professional sports is the Home Run Derby versus the Pro Bowl. I love baseball, alright? And I… like football. I will watch it, root for the Seahawks, genuinely anticipae certain match-ups, but it’s not at the level which I live breathe sleep and eat baseball. So I may be biased, but we’re going with the PRO BOWL for the most boring event. At least the guys in the Home Run Derby are trying to win.

BUT in the interest of trying to make the Second Most Boring Events in Professional Sport less so, what I would recommend would be to eliminate the derby entirely, and replace it with two marquee events: (1) inspired by video games, we have a Skill Challenge. Set up targets in the outfield, each with a bullseye target, each concentric circle worth decreasing points. Have dudes go for these targets- it would be a lot more exciting a display of talent and skill to see line drives being smashed at very specific targets. You could also, like video games, include random stuff like dump trucks driving across the field, fireworks/gunshots, random wild animals, and so forth. Maybe even work in CGI dead guys like Ty Cobbs. Yes! This is great.

Secondly, what I’m going to recommend is a three- or four-round beanball tournament. Last man standing sort of thing. We surely don’t want these athletes HURT, by God, it’s an EXHIBITION, but so to this end we’ll have to outlaw throwing at the head. HOWEVER, everything else is fair game. And body armor is prohibited.

Lastly, I recommend that every last recommendation of the good Dr. Hunter S. Thompson be implemented in the All-Star game.

As a diehard, slightly neurotic, fully obsessed baseball fan, I’m only trying to increase the appeal of the game. To consider its marketability. To expand its horizons. I think that you will see my love for the game in these ideas. I truly do believe these things would be far, far, far more interesting than watching home run after home run after home run and hearing the godawful Chris Berman saying “back back back” over and over again. THIS IS THE FUTURE, people.

CLEARLY, 2009 is the year of DEFENSE.